Moving forward

Oh 2008, how action packed you were! Me and Damien got married, Damien graduated and got a fantastic job and I got pregnant twice. I do know that most of you know about the first pregnancy/miscarriage but very few were told about the second one (the ones who knew probably only knew because I had to explain why I was sick). I have been struggling to remain positive. It was so hard for me to be proud of something that I was creating to have to turn around and tell people that I’ve let them down, my husband down….as well as let myself down. Of course I know this is not logical but I believe it’s a natural feeling, especially when the shock of the second miscarriage occurred. The feeling of “why me?” was quickly changed to, “Of course, you! Are you worthy of what you’re wanting?” and that has slowly changed to, “…..life was not meant to be easy….” Of course I’ve thrown myself a handful of pity parties but mostly I now feel numb, anxious and many times I feel alone. One second I am wanting to move on so bad that I am joking and the next second I am reminded of everything that I have lost…it’s not okay. It’s not okay that they both are gone. Yes, it has been tough, but yes, we will be fine. Damien is actually doing very well and is just looking towards the future.

I do know that I find a good amount of comfort in reading stories from those who have gone through something similar, so hear is our story from my point of view, for those who have in interest. This will not be graphic but will not be full of butterflies and candy. The first miscarriage. I was at work and just noticed some light brown spotting. I was nervous but remembered reading that this was very normal for the first trimester. Later in that day it turned to dark red/red spotting. Of course I was more nervous but after chatting w/one of my friends online, who had a period (I can’t believe I’m sort of getting more comfortable w/that word-sorta) through out her first trimester, I thought I was probably fine. The next morning I felt nauseous and sadly, this caused me to get excited since it was my first feeling of morning sickness! Awesome! I’m so pregnant! No, this was the beginning of me miscarrying. I went to the bathroom and it was bright red and their was more than I knew was ok. God, that was a difficult morning. I called in sick to work, cried my eyes out to Damien and called to get a blood test the second I could. I was pretty sure that this was the end but not 100% sure since it was not as strong as a period and I had no extra cramping. While I was waiting for my results the end came, more of what was not good and then the added cramping. Then I finally got the call (after calling and harassing the office to give me my results) and the young girl said, “Hello, Kara? Yeah, I got your results for your blood test. You have no sign of pregnancy, so don’t worry!…Yup, no sign, you’re clear!” Wow, thanks lots. Glad she assumed this pregnancy was not wanted….really, thanks. It was awful and I won’t even attempt to explain how I felt and feel today, about that day.

The second miscarriage. Christmas morning I knew that I was pregnant even though a test showed that I was not. What these 2 pregnancies have taught me is that my body definitely knows when it’s renting space to a little one. I thought I was pregnant the day after I ovulated w/both pregnancies, even though I kept this to myself w/the second pregnancy. Christmas day I got very sick and it peaked on the plane ride home w/me being nauseous w/a fever. No fun! 2 days later I took another test and it was positive….not a shock. I was very happy but pushed any emotional attachment to the side…it was early, however, I still didn’t think I would miscarry again. The next day I went and bought a couple of boxes of pregnancy tests. I did not feel any different but I wanted to reassure myself after the month before. The first 2 tests were negative….my god. Really? Panic. I wait a few more hours and took another test and it was positive. Yes! This almost completely put my mind at ease. The next morning I realized I still had another test and thought I may as well look at 1 more positive to clear my mind from the 2 negatives I saw the night before…..but it turned out to be negative. Oh…this can’t be happening. I made an appointment for a blood test and basically from that day to the next the same exact thing happened that happened w/the first miscarriage. The only difference is that my blood test did say I was pregnant but my hcg levels (sorry if this is foreign language to you) were 20. This is extremely low and about the amount you should have the first week you’re pregnant….basically, I was miscarrying. I go in for another blood test on Monday just to make sure but, like I said, it has already happened….

So what’s the next plan? I have a doctor’s appointment in a few weeks that will hopefully answer some of our questions about why these miscarriages have happened. I’m actually very lucky that my doctor has agreed to do some testing since they generally do not test unless you’ve had 3+ miscarriages in a row. I have done lots of research and one problem that causes a number of miscarriages is low progesterone. What?! Well, I was not aware of low progesterone being a problem w/carrying children. I wish I would have know this since I am fully aware that I have very low progesterone and use to be on progesterone cream, which I will be seeing another doctor about soon. So that could be the problem, or something else or….their could be no problem. All I know is that I feel very comfortable being proactive in my future and that doing my homework can only help this issue.

As I have told a tiny handful of you, we do not plan on sharing any future pregnancy details until the risk is greatly reduced. I do not have a problem sharing that I have miscarried but I do have a problem putting any of you through any future rollercoaster rides; this is not fair to any of you, or us.

Well, that’s life guys. Nothing is promised to us and we all should be very thankful for everything that we have. We both thank you for your love and support.


What a difference a year can make, view a year in 40 seconds: